


Snuff

by Narcis_The_Monk



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Drugs, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Violence, altered mental state, canon...ish?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-19 21:37:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14246271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narcis_The_Monk/pseuds/Narcis_The_Monk
Summary: Gamzee Makara has struggled through most of his life, constantly conflicted with his pull towards violence. He kept it under wraps for as long as he could, stifling the urges with large doses of sopor, which inevitably leads him through many cases of heartache and friendship. Will you follow his arc of successful and failed relationships?(So I'm getting better at summaries. Another set of stories inspired off a song, kind of an alternate to How The Blackest Heart Breaks.)





	1. Chapter 1

_"Bury all your secrets in my skin._   
_Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins._   
_The air around me still feels like a cage,_   
_And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again... "_

Gamzee Makara met the fuchsiablood heir shortly after he molted into his kit form. He wasn't a grub anymore, and his lusus left him alone more often now. He struggled with food for a while, before he taught himself to hunt and fish. He had always been one to catch on quickly.

It was one night, when he was out and about on the shore. He was hunting through tidal pools. He wasn't having much luck this night, and he'd never been this far down his stretch of coast. He could see another hive up on the cliff that he was walking towards. He wasn't sure who lived there, but the hive was huge. He could see lights on in the windows, and if he looked closely he could see a faint silhouette in one of them. He waved, not entirely sure why, and that silhouette disappeared quickly from the window. He looked away, shrugging off the feeling of being watched the best he could.

As he continued down the shore, he could make out a path amongst the rocky landscape that was forming around him in place of the soft sand of his beach. He listened briefly for predators, continuing on when he heard nothing. He might as well explore. The rocks got larger as he moved along, and slowly he started to make out the entrance to a cave. Standing at the entrance let him hear the faint echoes of soft waves and dripping water. He headed in, the spear he used for hunting ready just in case.

He had almost reached the end of the tunnel when he first heard the whimpering. There was something in this cave, and it was in distress. He got ready for a fight as he stepped through and was surprised briefly by the sight. There was a glow in the gentle pool from what he guessed was bioluminescent plankton. The wall across from it was covered in crystal formations that gave off pink and green lights from the moons. The gentle pool was formed by a blight that broke up the strong waves of the ocean, and the floor of the cave was a combination of smooth stone and soft sand.

He heard that whimpering again, and his hand clenched around the pole in his hand as he swung his head around. His rectangular pupils dilated as he look around, eyes stopping on a troll.

It was a seadweller. She was dressed in a black tank top and a colorful skirt. Her hair was long and wild, fighting the wet of the water that should have held it down. He could see fuchsia dusted gills on her neck. The fins on her face were delicate and tipped in that same fuchsia, and they wiggled oh so subtly as she struggled with what looked like a net wrapped around her legs. She wore a lot of gold jewelry, and her hands were so delicate; gentle fingers with soft pink webbing. A flash of feeling swept over him as he watched her struggle with that net, and he dropped the spear he'd been holding. He needed to help her, and he was already calculating how to do just that.

The seadweller looked up at him now, having realized she wasn't alone. Her eyes were large dark storm clouds, and framed by fuchsia goggles. He could see the yellow of her eyes and he recognized the scent of fear. He held his hands up, showing he meant no harm as he moved closer to her. His goat-like ears swiveled forward as he moved over to her. He knelt beside her, producing a small knife he used to fillet fish. He recognized the irony.

"Ain't gonna hurt you...I motherfuckin promise." He told her as he reached gentle hands over and worked on cutting the rope of the net.

"Promise?" She finally asked, watching him with worried eyes. She was shaking a little, and he realized she probably hadn't seen a lot of trolls yet. She was about the same age as him, and he offered her a smile as she watched him.

"Promise." He insisted, halfway done with the rope. It had been tangled tight, leaving soft pink impressions in her grey skin as he pulled it away from her.

"Why?" She asked quietly, and he looked up at her. He was almost to her ankles. He thought quietly before he answered her, eyes on those freckles dusted across her cheeks.

"Cause something in my soul tells me I don't wanna motherfuckin hurt you." He supplied finally, finding that is was truth and the closest he could come to explaining it. She seemed satisfied with the answer and glanced away from him as she blushed lightly. He looked back to what he was doing and cut the rest of the net loose from her. He pulled it away from her gently, slipping the now ruined net into his capchalogue. He didn't want it back in the water. His lusus could get tangled in it just as easily.

"You have kind eyes." The voice almost startled him, and he looked up to see she had been watching him again. He blushed faintly, indigo spreading across his bare cheeks. He wasn’t old enough to wear the paint yet. He dropped his eyes to where she was rubbing the indentations along her legs, and he held a hand out to her in offering.

"Come on. I'll all up and take you to my hive ‘til you feel like you can walk again." He offered, and he waited for her answer. She seemed doubtful, but she lifted a delicate hand and placed it in his. He wrapped her hand up gently in his own larger hand as he pulled her to her feet as he stood up, catching her as she tried to take a step and fell. He lifted her up in his arms, one arm under the bend of her legs and the other around her shoulders. She gave a soft squeak and wrapped her arms around his neck as he carried her back along that twisting path through the rocks.

"My name is Feferi." She finally said, and without the echo of the cave he realized she sounded like bells and wind chimes, like soft music in a dream. He wanted to hear it again.

"That's a pretty name, sister. Like the waves when they whisper soft stories into sea foam. I'm Gamzee." He told her as they reached the warm sand of his familiar shore. He tried to keep his eyes on the path and away from her face, and he felt a little relief in the sand beneath his boots. He settled his eyes on her more now that he knew where he was.

"It suits you." She answered, smiling up at him. He blushed again as they continued in silence. He pulled his eyes away from her face and back to the path. He needed to keep an eye out still. Everything on Alternia wanted to kill you. They reached his hive, and he took her in and settled her on the daybed. He made sure she didn’t have any other wounds beyond the indentations along her legs, which had already faded. There was some faint bruising though, and he smoothed gentle fingers over them and along the edges of the fins there.

Feferi stayed until it close to dawn. They curled up together, her pressed against his chest and their limbs tangled as they talked and traded soft touches. Right before she left, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and she pressed one to his cheek. She gave him her trolltag, and told him she would come visit. Then she walked off into the water, disappearing into it like she was the ocean itself.

The next time he saw her was a few nights later. He was sitting on the shore, watching the water for his lusus. He could see something breaking the water, and for a brief second he was hopeful before he realized it was much too small to be his lusus. Then he could see the horns of his new friend, and she rose from the waves regally, and it was only then he realized who she really was.

He stood up quickly as she strode towards him, her stance elegant and under the moonlight she was so beautiful. He felt that clutch in his chest, that want to keep her safe from harm. As she got closer, he could see she was smiling. He waited for her, still amazed by the troll he'd met under such silly circumstances. As soon as she was mostly free from the tug of the water, she ran towards him. He opened his arms as she threw herself into his embrace, and he spun her around a bit before he settled her down to the ground again.

Just like before, she stayed until dawn was close. They spent their time talking while she brushed his hair and taught him how to braid it back if he needed to in the future. Instead, he braided hers very sloppily. She loved it anyway. They talked about their lusii, about the moons and the stars, and about the ocean. About how she wanted to change Alternia, how she wanted everyone to have kind eyes like his. As she spoke, he could feel the peace she wanted overtake him. He wanted her world too. Where he didn't have to be violent, where he never had to leave his shore behind.

He remembered the whisper she spoke to him before she left. “When I’m Empress, I want you to be in charge of the land.” He felt pride then, the need to prove he could do that. That he would do that for her. He knew he’d do anything for her.

The visits were consistent, and they talked on trollian when they weren't together. Over time, she claimed herself his moirail and he agreed. It wasn't long after that the nightmares started. He talked to her about it, and she told him highbloods like them needed high sopor concentration to help keep the nightmares away. She brought him some of the concentrate she had for her recuperecoon the next time she visited him.

It worked for a while. But soon the nightmares slipped into the waking world and he became more aggressive with the exhaustion he always felt. She kept bringing him the concentrated sopor, and he kept adding it to his own sopor slime. Eventually though, it stopped working all together. That's when he decided to eat it, for fear of hurting his moirail in one of those self-inflicted flashes of rage and fear that overtook him. And it worked. His world seemed foggier, and he was a bit slower in his movements. But the nightmares stopped, and so did his hallucinations. He’d do anything to keep her safe, even if it was from himself.

He kept it hidden for a long time. And over time he learned she was kind and loving, but she was still a fuchsiablood. That kindness was overbearing and overwhelming, and she kept track of him like he was one of the cuttlefish she told him she kept caged in her hive. She wanted to keep him safe, but the only way she knew how was to cage him with her pale affection and those gentle touches. Even though she was condescending in her kindness, he still loved her affection. He still wanted it, like it was a drug he’d fallen under long before sopor.

In his frazzled state, he was clingy as well. He wanted her close, wanted her to cage him because then he knew she loved him. He liked it when she toyed with tangles in his hair as she took care of him and her softly spoken promises of safety, warmth, and peace. He listened to that voice of dream music, those silver bells and wind chimes in a soft breeze. He liked getting lost in that voice and fluttering in his chest, letting the butterflies carry him along.

Besides that, she brought him the only thing that stopped his mind from running him ragged. He didn’t like being sober anymore. It left him with a pounding head and a depression that settled over him like a layer of heavy snow in the winter. When it melted away, he was burning up and he felt like his throat was on fire as he screamed into the nothingness of his empty hive when she was gone. He hated being alone the most when he was sober. He needed to stay in the fogginess, so the whispers that spoke of hatred in his mind that tried so hard to break his heart stayed away. It managed to leave fractures sometimes.

But it cost him his moirail when she caught him. She couldn't handle him when he slipped into a rage, and she didn't like him slow and hazy. She wanted the troll she first met, the one with the kind eyes. But they long since become jaded from the drug he was constantly ingesting, and that troll was gone. He’d died with the first hallucination. When he had put on his paint, and when he looked in the mirror he could have sworn he’d smeared the most precious of fuchsia bloods across his cheeks. He’d scrubbed himself in the ablution trap until his skin was tender to the touch, and when Feferi had come she didn’t know what to do. She just cried soft tears.

They broke up on the beach where they spent all their time, and he watched her as she cried those fuchsia tinted tears. He held her as they both cried, his body shaky as he clung to her tightly. He didn’t want to let her go, because she would leave him forever if he did. But he did. He lifted his hands to her face and wiped her tears away, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead for the last time as he apologized in quiet hoarse whispers. She clung to his shirt before she kissed his cheek and told him goodbye.

When she slipped into the water that night, it was the last time he would see her until they played Sgrub.


	2. Chapter 2

"So if you love me, let me go.  
And run away before I know.  
My heart is just too dark to care.  
I can't destroy what isn't there.  
Deliver me into my fate -  
If I'm alone I cannot hate,  
I don't deserve to have you... "

Being close to the kind fuchsiablood had let him open up and make friends. He knew all of eleven other trolls by the end of Alternia's existence, and only a few he'd even meet on the outside of the Alternianet before the Game. He knew Feferi, and briefly (reluctantly) met the violetblood prince of assholes. Whom she'd replaced him with out of some self-righteous sense of duty. They didn't speak much, and he kept it like that for as long as he could and he made sure they never made friends. He might still be bitter.

But the next troll he'd met in the real world, whom he'd actually claimed as a friend was Nepeta. She was the sweetest, toughest troll that ever could have existed in such a little package. Of course, when he met her he'd grown several inches since he'd seen another troll. Maybe he was just big. But the impression of deceptively small stuck with him forever.

They met hunting. When Gamzee felt brave enough to face the woods. He'd been baking his own concentrated sopor for a while, and he kept himself dosed enough to keep him here in his body but not enough so he couldn't function to hunt and fish. He had to eat. It took a lot of his attention, and he wasn’t entirely sure why he held onto it. Maybe he knew exactly why, but was ashamed to admit it. But as the leaves started to change, the shore cooled down. There were less fish and shellfish available close to shore, and he didn't have a boat. He'd have to go into the woods that fenced his seaside paradise. He dosed before he left, because he didn’t need the added distraction of trying to do it in territory he wasn’t familiar with.

He had gathered his weapons, his clubs and knives. He wasn't entirely sure what he would find in the trees, but he had heard the loud snarls and roars of predators on those nights he sat in silence on the shore hoping against hope that his lusus would appear. Or that she would rise from the ocean like the waves themselves. All regal and glittering, the queen she was meant to be. That she would be his moirail again. He shook his head of the thoughts, heading out after he was dressed.

He climbed the small hill from the beach, watching as the sand faded into the dark green of grass and the even darker earth beneath it. He carried no lights himself, going off his dark vision and the moons. Though he could see soft glowing along the path he'd chosen. He knew some of the plants on his home planet were bioluminescent. He paid attention in the schooled system to know that much; he also knew predatory lusii sometimes glowed to mimic the harmless plants. He knew he had to be really careful in this new terrain.

He walked quietly, finding tracks for something that seemed small enough that he might be able to catch, and by the evidence of plants being eaten on, it wasn't a predator. He chose to track this, moving as quietly as he had practiced. He'd practiced on the beach though, and here he had to watch where he stepped so he didn't step on twigs or leaves. It took a lot of his concentration, and the movement in the undergrowth ahead almost startled him into jumping. He crouched down, watching carefully.

A hopbeast bounced out of the bushes, and he kept an eye on it. He waited until it hopped closer, club at the ready. But before he could move, a green blur darted out and grabbed the hopbeast by its throat. It took him a second to register the blur as a troll, whom was now joined by a meowbeast lusus with two mouths. He dropped his club, and the troll jerked around to look at him.

Wide feline like eyes watched him framed in a small, round face. Her ears were tipped with olive fur, and the hopbeast hung from her mouth. She turned more, crouching down as if she were feral. He was pretty sure she was just sizing him up though. She wasn't armed, but she flexed her claws and he could clearly see her teeth were sharp, so even if she hadn’t drawn a weapon yet she was just as dangerous. The meowbeast gave a soft meow of greeting as it crossed the clearing to check him out. He remained calm, and watched as the troll in front of him relaxed and lifted a hand to take the hopbeast from her mouth in favor of holding the limp body by its ears.

"Did I take your kill?" She asked, eyes twinkling with what he thought was humor.

"Kinda, yeah. Motherfuckin ain't used to hunting in the trees yet, so it ain't no big deal. Probably woulda all up and missed." He answered, a dopey grin spreading across his face as she lifted a hand to smear the dark red blood around her mouth.

"Well, mew can have this one. I can catch another. Do mew know how to skin it?" She asked, clearly calm so long as her lusus was, and with the way it was currently rubbing against his legs he’d say it was most definitely calm. He smiled at her, shook his head.

"Not a goddamn clue . But I can all up and fillet a fish." He offered in return and she laughed. It was bubbly and energetic. Her lusus was threading itself between his legs and purring loudly now, almost knocking him over. He scratched idly behind its ear, the sopor making his fingers tingle at the texture.

"Well, that's something I can't do. Want me to show mew?" She offered, walking up to him to offer him her prey. As she closed the gap, the lusus purring at his feet left to rejoin her at her side.

"That'd be swell, kittysis. What do I motherfucking call you?" He asked, curious of the friendly troll he'd met.

"Nepeta. Or AC, if mew prefur. And mew are...?" She asked the question now.

"Gamzee." He was almost at a loss of words here.

"Its nice to meet mew! Come to my hive, I'll show mew how to do it. I'll teach mew to hunt in the woods if mew'll bring me fish." Nepeta offered and he grinned.

"Soon as I'm getting fish back up by the shore I can get you some. Gonna take a storm to bring some up with the cold comin’ right now." Gamzee agreed, moving to follow her as she turned to make her way through the woods.

He spent a lot of time with her in the winter. He found that her energy and her kindness were genuine and it didn’t come with bars or chains, it didn’t feel like a prison he wanted. He felt like he was warm when she smiled, and he felt a flutter in his chest. There wasn’t an overwhelming need to protect her or prove himself fit to stand by her side. She just wanted to be his friend, and he loathed loneliness. She introduced him to a few new trolls as well. Including someone who was important to both of them.

Karkat Vantas.

The small, crab-like troll shouted at everything and everyone, including himself. Part of it was a defense measure he put into place and could never quite shake. Part of it had to be his size, but Gamzee was sure he’d grow more in his next molt. The rest of why he shouted so much was because he didn’t know any other way to show affection.

Together, he and Nepeta learned that Karkat was quick to shout, and his kindness came out butchered and stammered and often by the end of it his foot was in his mouth. Gamzee found it endearing, Nepeta found it cute. They built the angry troll up on this pedestal, and together they worshipped him. Gamzee felt that need to protect, that flutter in his chest. He considered it impossible at the best of times, but he just wanted to shooshpap him right on his cheek and help him calm down. But Nepeta had redder feelings on her mind for the small mysteryblood. That made his heart ache, and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

It was the middle of a sleepover he knew why. He was already dreading the end of this sleepover as it was probably going to be their last one. Spring would be coming soon and he could hunt more by the shore. He’d still bring her fish, but he wouldn’t have anymore excuses for hunting so late into the night that he had to stay over. No more curling up on a pile with her and watching romcoms late into the day hidden far back in her cave, no more hunts together under the moons.

But when they did end up curling up for sleep late afternoon, she rolled over and curled up on his chest purring softly. When he looked down at his sleeping companion’s face he felt a deep clutching at his chest, a seizing of his heart as he struggled for breath. He knew the word. Pity. Oh, he pitied her. He was red, so red for the little feline curled up on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close while he could. He didn’t remember when he fell asleep, but when he woke again it was night time and she was already awake and cooking.

When he left that night, he could feel the warmth returning to the breeze that blew off the ocean. He didn’t hunt in the trees after that, distancing himself. He wasn’t sure why he did it really. He talked to her if she messaged him, and he always felt that desperate longing. But he knew she didn’t see past Karkat for that quadrant, and he deemed himself unworthy of trying. Not with all his issues.

He didn’t see her much before they entered the game. He mourned her death the most. No one could punish him enough for what he did to her in that game that took everything from him.

_"My smile was taken long ago,  
If I can change I hope I never know."_


	3. Chapter 3

_“I still press your letters to my lips,_  
_And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss._  
_I couldn’t face a life without your lights,_  
_But all that was ripped apart when you refused to fight…”_

The third troll that had ever mattered to him was a surprise to everyone, including himself. He kept her secret, kept what they had hidden from his friends and enemies alike. Just like the spider silk she was so fond of, it was a delicate thing they held between the two of them. A few weeks into Spring, he met the troll who lived up in that huge hive on the cliff above his shore.

With the warm weather came fish and shellfish. His usual prey had returned, and he spent more time outside. Sometimes when he was standing over tidal pools, spear at the ready, he could hear screaming from up above. It was a common occurrence, and it sounded like it floated down from the hive on the cliffs. He briefly thanked whatever forces were watching out for him that he hadn’t learned why screaming came from the hive first hand.

He had gotten away with it for a long time, ignoring the screaming. He had his own voices in his head to quell, he didn’t need strange otherworldly voices to deal with on top of that. That was until he awoke with a start one evening to a troll standing over him. He didn’t recognize the figure, but they were clearly older than him and breaking into his house meant they were probably trying to dodge the mandatory planet wide draft. He rolled out of the way as the troll dropped a large, and very heavy from the sound of it, staff head down where his head was.

Gamzee hadn’t fought a lot of trolls, but he’d fought cholerbears with Nepeta. They were roughly the size of this adult. And the range of this staff and the range of clawswipes from the compared lusii were roughly the same. He scrambled off the floor as he grabbed his clubs and ran out into the night time air, and the adult troll chased him out. Just like a cholerbear. If he didn’t feel the dull thud in the back of his head to know he was painfully sober, he’d think he had a bad batch of sopor, but no that was an adult, feral troll chasing him.

He got them to follow him out and into the open space of the beach. There weren’t any predators around, so he could focus on this troll. He twirled his clubs up into his hands as he swayed to the right. As the troll fell for the feint, he moved quickly to slam his clubs into the left side of his attacker’s ribs. He felt a crack, and the troll snarled loudly as they swung with the staff through the pain. Gamzee dropped back, remembering he could flip, and he quickly dodged and righted himself back to his feet. He needed to thank Nepeta later. He circled around the troll as they matched his pace. He wanted to be between his hive and this troll. He wanted them off his territory.

The other troll shifted, spinning the staff around in their hands. They lifted it in challenge, and Gamzee felt something in him shift as he gave a roar in challenge. It was the loudest sound he’d ever given before, pure instincts and territorial urges coursing through him like the highblood like he was. They charged at each other again, and Gamzee dropped low to slam his clubs around in an arc as his slid across the sand to hit his mark of their knees. He judged the distance right as he just barely dodged the staff head again. His clubs connected, and the troll went down in a rolling mess. It’d be a minute before he could get up again, and Gamzee was glad. This was hard work just waking up.

As he was catching his breath, the troll was up again. His enemy was wheezing more, clearing having been worn out before he got to Gamzee. He watched the troll get ready to move again, and he silently begged him to stumble. But before they started their desperate run towards him again, they froze and dropped their staff to the ground. They lifted their hands and tried to claw at their head, right around their temples, before the hands dropped and their arms went limp.

“Kill him already.” A voice broke the indigoblood’s confusion, and he swung around to face another troll. This one was his age, or very close, and she wore a large cerulean symbol on her shirt proudly. Her hands were up by her own temples, and he noticed the left one was cybernetic. She gave a low groan, and repeated her order. “Kill him! Holy fuck, this is hard!”

Gamzee swung his attention back to the troll that had attacked him, and he slammed a club into the side of his head. He felt a crack before the troll fell down, and he walked over to slam his boot down on the adult’s neck until he felt the snap he was looking for. He turned his attention back to the ceruleanblood, clubs loose in his hands. She dropped her metal hand down to her side and rubbed at her forehead with the other one.

“Fucking finally, holy shit. Took you long enough.” She complained, and he tilted his head as his eyes narrowed.

“’Scuse me motherfucker, the hell is goin on? I woke up to this motherfucker standing over me, and then you show up in the middle of shit and pull some kinda mind shit and I’m supposed to be gracious? Who the fuck is you?” He demanded, and the unexpected guest looked up at him now. He took this moment to take her in. She wore a pair of glasses, one lens was blacked out. Her hair was wild and wavy, and it parted smoothly around the base of her horns nicely. Her horn themselves were tall, one tipped with a hook, the other a tiny crescent moon. Her good eye, he was assuming here, was the normal storm cloud grey of their age but he could see small flecks of blue as she moved closer. Wait, she was moving closer. He gripped his clubs tighter.

“Oh, RELAX. I’m going to get the body. I mean, if you were reeeeeeeeally nice, you would help me carry it back to my hive. I need to feed my lusus.” She stated, showing no fear as she moved past him to the troll that had attacked him. “And I bet this asshole is heavy. It’s gonna take me all night.”

“That answered none of the motherfuckin’ questions you was asked, sister.” Gamzee insisted, though he dropped his stance again. If she did attack him, he deserved it.

“My name is Vriska. I live in the hive on top of the cliff over there. You wave to me sometimes.” She finally supplied as she started stripping the dead troll of his armor, cloak, weapons, and any treasure that seemed interesting to her. “You want his staff? You’re really good with clubs, but if you use a staff you increase your range and max damage. And it’s a reeeeeeeeeeally nice staff. High quality metal, and you can change all the decorations on it pretty easily.”

“Yeah, but then I lose the advantage of fighting all up and close. Means I can get in, break some bones. And if I gotta, I can bite and claw.” He defended his clubs, and she cackled in return.

“That’s true. I like the way you think. Well keep it anyway, a sign of our friendship.” She stated, turning to hold her hand out to him. He dropped a club into his modus again and reached out to shake it. She smiled at him, and he looked her over. She came off as egotistical, but she had stopped that troll with what he was pretty sure were psionics. And she didn’t shy away from him, even as his muscles twitched with a possible outburst at any second.

“I’m Gamzee.” He provided finally, and she shook his hand one last time and he realized her hand felt slightly warmer in his own. He smiled vaguely as he watched her carefully. “Let me get my shit together and I’ll all up and help you. I don’t want him rotting on my beach, he’ll all up and attract predators I don’t need.”

“Alright! See, I knew you were a good friend!” Vriska called out as he turned back to his hive and he laughed lowly. He looked back to her and she was watching him with a smile. He slipped into his hive. He pulled on a shirt, having stripped it off sometime in his frenzied sleep. He slipped his clubs in his pockets, popped a few fingers worth of the concentrated sopor in the pie tin on the counter into his mouth, and headed back outside.

“Alright, good to go.” He answered, as he realized Vriska was standing in the doorway watching him. He couldn’t really read her expression before she tilted her head slightly.

“Do you eat sopor slime?” She asked him and he flushed a deep indigo beneath his face paint. “Why?”

“Cause I don’t like who I am when I motherfuckin don’t. He likes to kill a lot.” He answered, briefly puzzled about why he gave her the truth.

“You’re a troll. You’re supposed to kill. To protect your territory, to get anything you want, to defend your quadrants.” She answered, voice even and collected. Maybe it was because they didn’t know each other, maybe she believed what she said. But a part of him screamed agreement. He dropped his gaze.

“What if I hurt someone I don’t want to?” He asked. Two faces flashed forward in his mind, and his ears drooped in shame at the very thought of hurting them.

“Sometimes you have to lose control to find it.” She responded, before she turned back to walk over to the troll. “Help me feed my lusus, and we’ll talk. But you can’t tell anyone. I like my privacy, and my friends are very meddlesome.”

“Mine too.” He told her, letting her drop the subject. He was glad for the momentary change of topic. He wasn’t sure why her words had soothed a part of him, but they did. And for that, he truly was thankful. Maybe she would whisper more soothing truths to him. He still couldn’t admit he was desperate for attention.

He helped her carry the body up the winding path hidden in the cliff itself. A cave system he had never known about. They made snide jokes between them how he’d been lucky, they’d never been used before today. She admitted the troll had escaped from her in the tunnels, and she was already on her way after him when he broke into Gamzee’s hive. She also confessed he had been a pretty decent neighbor, and she’d miss the waving if something happened because she’d gotten lazy. All of this was said in a manner that made her appear to be a good guy. He smiled a bit, finding it amusing. She was definitely different than the last trolls he had spent time with in the real world.

She made him wait in her hive while she fed her lusus, and when she returned she led him up several flights of stairs to the top of a tower. He realized this was the tower he saw the silhouette in before and he smiled. They got to her room, and he looked around. There were piles of books, and they all seemed to be various FLARP manuals. What wasn’t were trashy fantasy romance novels. There were broken eight balls all across the floor, and that set him to giggling. She walked over to a large canopied daybed and dropped down onto it. She patted the bed as she moved to rest against the pillows.

He walked over and sat down, tilting his head up to look at the top of the canopy. He smiled faintly as he realized there were stars projected on it from the headboard behind them.

“When you see me in the window, I’m looking at the real ones. I like these more when my psionics are causing me migraines. Does that happen to you?” She started the conversation again this time, and he looked to her with confusion written across his face.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He asked her, curious to her implications.

“You’re an indigoblood, right? That’s why you wear the paint, and I mean, your symbol is on your shirt. Indigobloods have higher chances of having psionics, duh. Do you not know yet?” She explained, then pressed on. She stopped when she turned to look at, his confusion and agitation must have shown through. She let silence fall over them again, and he watched her as she turned to offer him a smile. “I just wanna help.”

“I appreciate the thought, but motherfuckin why? You don’t know me.” He responded, hesitantly relaxing once more. For some reason, he did believe the plea she gave him.

“Because I’ve fucked up a lot, but I don’t always. I wanna prove it.” She told him, and he felt the truth fall heavy in that.

“So this is about you.” He asked, smirk tugging at his lips.

“And you. I know what psionics are like if you’re not ready.” She countered, but he knew the truth. This was more about her, but he could listen. He could give her that. He always was a bleeding blood pusher, desperate to help everyone he could. Feferi and Nepeta both had accused him of it, and even Karkat had in some kind of strange backhanded way. What was one more person?

“Okay.” He murmured after a quiet minute, and she turned back to him.

“Okay?” She asked again, and she smiled when he nodded. “Alright. Let me get some food, we’ve got a lot to talk about.”

He watched her kick into gear, moving around and rushing out to get food from wherever her cooking block was. He found himself smiling, finding the rush to impress him…cute. He had nothing but time to give, no one he dedicated time to in his life. With the warm weather, he didn’t have to hunt in the forest. He did exchange food with Nepeta still, but she had less time to spend with him now due to her increased pursuit in their fellow crabby troll. And her moirail didn’t really like her spending time with him, though he’d never admit it if asked. He always froze up and stuttered words to the indigoblood, but he thought the highblood would hurt the little oliveblood. Gamzee had found it insulting, but stayed away more regardless.

Now here he was, in a ceruleanblood’s house, and she wanted his attention. He knew it might be dangerous, he’d seen her power. But she’d felt…genuine. He didn’t know what in him made him believe that, but he pursued it with everything he had in him. He…he needed this. Someone to spend time with, someone who believed in him. Maybe this had been how the Messiahs had chosen to answer all his prayers for guidance. He thought about the voices, worried they might frighten her away.

But when he told her about them over the food she’d brought back with her, she just nodded her head in thought. He felt a rush of relief and appreciation for her in that moment. She never did shy away from him, and even worked with him to figure out his psionics and how to use them. Eventually they began to FLARP together, after quite a bit of insistence on her part. She told him the fighting would help him gain control of himself, and she was right. He started taking less sopor, spending more time sober, until he was completely off it forever. He eventually began to accept himself and the violence in his veins, and together they thrived.

It wasn’t really a surprise when he felt those red feelings again, that need to keep her at his side. Except this time, the feelings were returned. He learned that when they were returning home from a quest, and she stopped to stretch up and press a kiss to his lips. He remembered he grinned before he returned it, finally finding contentment in who and where he was. They kept their matespritship, as well as his sobriety, secret from their friends long into the Game.

But that meteor was where the true horror began. Terezi, Vriska’s supposed friend, stabbed her through the back and the Game deemed it a just death…and just like that she was gone. He slipped into a rage, and this time there was no one to calm him down. Before the end of the rage, he had killed two of his friends and bathed in the blood of most of them. He didn’t snap out of it until that deadly 5XCombo Showdown on top of the meteor, when Karkat lunged forward and papped his cheek.

That was also the day he considered to be the true death of his soul.


	4. Chapter 4

_“So save your breath, I will not hear._   
_I think I made it very clear._   
_You couldn't hate enough to love;_   
_Is that supposed to be enough?_   
_I only wish you weren't my friend,_   
_Then I could hurt you in the end._   
_I never claimed to be a saint...”_

Gamzee had never gotten to actually meet Karkat before the Game. They talked on trollian, and he learned only a few things about the crabby troll before they were thrust into the game. The first being that he typed in grey and was very secretive about his caste. That had never bothered him, really. The indigoblood had never really cared about castes or systems. He figured he’d eventually learn if the universe had wanted him to, and he had been right.

The second thing he had learned was that it was almost impossible to walk away from Karkat without receiving at least one rant and one backhanded compliment. Everything he said was like rosebuds hidden in thorns; it was pretty, but reaching for it would sting. But if he waited, he’d drop the thorns a bit and relax. He had always found it cute before. It was something to distract himself with to keep those violent thoughts at bay for a while longer, and he always felt a sense of accomplishment when he pulled it off. It’d gotten easier with Vriska, but while he’d accepted it and gained a little more control of it he still didn’t like it. But the small compliments and truths he got from Karkat had always been worth it.

The third and final thing he’d learned about Karkat before they entered the game was that he was often very one-track-minded with the ability to veer himself off course in any conversation at the drop of the hat. It meant screens of grey text when he went to ask a question and ended up criticizing his own phrasing all in the timespan of Gamzee having left to retrieve a snack and hadn’t replied quickly. He gave a lot away about himself in those self deprecating rants he was fond of, and Gamzee had always made sure to reassure him he was a tiny miracle wrapped up in loudness and rage. Sometimes that would send the other off into another rant, and back on Alternia before everything he’d loved every second of it.

He’d spent a great deal of time idolizing him with Nepeta, so much so that it had lingered past the confusing red bloom he’d had for her and long into his matespritship with Vriska. She had often teased him about not approaching him on the subject, but she’d never been hateful about the clinging pale feelings he had for the other. It was her attempt at encouragement and he had called it out. The memory of her laughing and curling up against him when he had was almost enough to make him smile.

The corners of his lips twisted up slightly, and he realized silence had fallen over the room as he blinked back to reality, smile falling away as he looked down to the small mutantblood at his side who was just watching him carefully. Fuck, he’d forgotten to stop living in his head again. He remembered he was physically leaning against a cold metal wall on a meteor flying through space, with Karkat seated next to him rambling on about something –most likely Terezi—and Vriska was gone. He felt the tears flooding his eyes before Karkat moved.

Gamzee flinched back a bit, a reflex he wasn’t aware of. He wasn’t sure why he’d started ducking eye contact and physical contact, but the smaller troll ignored it and papped his cheek lightly again.

“Shoosh. What in the shit just happened Gamzee?” Karkat asked, watching the indigoblood’s face with caution. His ears drooped a bit, and he tilted his head a fraction to the side. _Act dumb, play nice_. The smaller troll didn’t know if he was a threat still. The thought made his bloodpusher ache a bit.

“I was motherfuckin thinkin’…rememberin’ shit. Why you wanna know?” He asked the words with a playful tone, lifting a hand to wipe the tears from his eyes. He stared down at the pale purple smeared across his hand along with facepaint.

“Because you got really quiet, then you just started fucking crying and I’m responsible for making sure you don’t turn into a raging asshat again so I’m asking once more, what the fuck was that?” His voice rose a bit with clear indignation at the other’s act.

“You ever talk much to Feferi before all this shit? Think y’all might have gotten on just fine.” He couldn’t stop the question from slipping out, but he couldn’t keep from noticing the similarities between the two. He bit back a quiet storm of resentment and bitterness at the fact. He was a responsibility, he had always been such, and it carried over to his next pale partner.

“That’s not fucking funny.” Karkat barked, now trying to keep all tone from his voice.

“Kinda is. More than you’ll ever motherfuckin know.” He could hear Vriska’s voice tangling with his own, memories hazing into reality. He worried briefly that his psionics were sparking up, but it could have just been grief flooding his senses.

His rectangular pupils snapped back to Karkat when he moved again, and the other froze to watch him. “Gamzee. Quit with the mystifying answers. Why is that funny?” He focused on the question, and decided to tell the truth.

“’Cause Fef used to be my palesis, brother. You sound a lot alike, what with your motherfuckin responsibilities.” Well, there was something he hadn’t told many. He wasn’t surprised by the shock evident in the other troll’s widening eyes.

“I didn’t know that. Why didn’t I know that?” He asked, and Gamzee’s soft chuckle made him huff a bit before he crossed his arms to frown a bit. He could see him worrying at his bottom lip, and he reminded himself it was unfair to tease the other.

So he answered again with a truth. “Cause you ain’t never tried.”

Silence fell between them, and he chose to simply watch the other chew at his bottom lip as the realization sunk in. His eyes jumped back up to meet the taller troll’s again, and Gamzee tried to just smile quietly. “…Gamzee, what were you thinking about that made you cry?”

“My matesprit, brother. I was gettin my think on about Vriska and what a miracle she was, how she used to all up and tease me for not talking to you sooner. The motherfuck else is there to think about here?” He kept his tone even, kept his face blank. He wasn’t sure how this was going to go down, because while everyone had wondered about a possible connection between the two after his breakdown he’d never confirmed or denied it. She had always preferred their privacy, and honestly so did he.

He wasn’t dazed by the disbelief evident in the other’s eyes. “No fucking way.” He shook his head a bit now.

“What?” He asked around a honk of a laugh, amused at the reaction. He was learning Karkat in person was much more entertaining than when he was behind a keyboard.

“You and... _Vriska_? How did that happen?” He was asking more questions, and it clicked in to Gamzee that he was trying to understand him. He wondered now if the warm bubbling giddiness he should have felt was being smothered by the coldness of the grief he couldn’t shake.

He shrugged off the thought physically, before he finally responded. “She saved my life, helped me with my psionics. Brother, I done told you this. Besides, I don’t really wanna all up and motherfuckin linger on the thought. She’s _gone._ ” His voice cracked on the word, and he bit his own lip now.

“Right, fuck.” The response was quick, and the other ducked his head down as he nodded a bit.

He went back to teasing him, lifting a hand to push at the other’s shoulder gently in an attempt to convey it. “It’s fine. It’s part of your job description now, right? Leader, savior, motherfuckin beastkeeper.”

“You’re not a beast!” He didn’t expect the other to huff up at his defense though. He tried to smile a little bit.

“I dunno ‘bout that now, but motherfuckin sound moral support brother.” He brushed it off, moving on to try and encourage his friend like he used to. Yeah, he could focus on that.

“Oh shut the fuck up. I’m not your keeper, I’m not a savior, I don’t even think I’m the leader anymore. All the shit that just dribbled out of your mouth is pure, unfiltered grubshit.” Karkat was arguing against the compliments, like he always did. He narrowed his eyes a bit at Gamzee, and the action made him grin.

“Yes you motherfuckin are. You know who you are on the inside, and when the shit hit that big ol’ fan, you were the one every motherfucker on this meteor turned to, right? Even I did, in my manic state. ‘Course, I think the plan was to kill you cause you was the leader, but I mean…” He started laughing now, lifting a hand to twirl a finger beside his head. “…I wasn’t all up and there, was I?” The laughter picked up, bubbly little manic giggles.

“Why are you laughing about that?” Karkat demanded as he frowned again. He was tense now, maybe getting ready to shooshpap the indigobood again.

“Question is brother, why ain’t you? Everything’s laughable, ain’t nothin sacred. That shit just keeps gettin’ proved left and motherfuckin right. Alternia, Vriska, my motherfuckin RELIGION.” He couldn’t stop the words, and he barely registered the rage in them before he shouted.

“GAMZEE.” Karkat shouted back, and he bit back the giggles as he forced himself back to calm.

He took a deep, gasping breath and stared up at the ceiling. “Yeah, right. Sorry, best friend.” He could feel a warm hand on his arm, and he looked down at it. He made himself smile a tiny smile, before he met the other’s eyes.

“What happened to you when we weren’t looking?” The question was surprisingly serious, and Gamzee watched him in stunned silence for a minute. Finally, he shook his head and answered truthfully.

“Nothing all up and happened. It just always was, but under a heavy layer of sopor and denial.” His tone was flat, lacking any emotion now. He felt exhausted.

“Why didn’t I notice?” Karkat asked, scooting a little closer to Gamzee. Now it was the indigoblood’s turn to watch the other cautiously.

“Thought I was dumb, brother, ain’t know shame in admittin’ that fact. Everyone done thought it. I let everyone think that to hide the sopor. Then I up and stopped, and everyone started to notice I was different. So I slipped back into pretending ‘cause I thought y’all wouldn’t like me. I was kinda right.” He offered a grin now, but he dropped it when the other shook his head.

“What…what made you stop?” More serious questions; he wondered how long he’d be answering them before he thought on how to reply.

“You know the answer to that already, just think real hard…who mattered enough to impress upon me the thought that I should quit dosing myself up like a trumpetbeast who’s tusks are about to get snatched?” Gamzee was testing him now, to see if he had really been listening.

He could see the realization spark and bloom to life in the other’s eyes. He smirked as Karkat answered his own question. “…fucking Serket. Shit, why are we back on this topic?” He really should have been touched that he was trying to avoid a subject that Gamzee would also prefer to avoid but couldn’t stop thinking about.

“’Cause you asked the right questions,” He replied before he settled back against the wall again and closed his eyes.

“Let’s just…let’s change the subject.” The other mumbled, and he hummed in response.

“Sounds motherfuckin fair to me.” He felt the other climb over his legs to settle into his lap and lean back against his chest. They sat in silence as Karkat thought about what to say, before Gamzee prompted him about Terezi. He may have fooled himself into hearing the relief in Karkat’s voice to talk about his own issues again. Only now, Gamzee wasn’t entirely sure how to help him. He was struggling with his own emotional storm, unsure of how to tread the waters without drowning, and he wasn’t sure how he could survive that and Karkat’s constant hurricane.

Time proved to him that he couldn’t face both storms. He couldn’t stay with Karkat. He knew the other was trying, a lot more than he had in the past. He was everything Gamzee had hoped for, and maybe if everything else he’d held faith in hadn’t been stripped away from him by the Game it would have been great. Everyday, the anger inside him grew more and more. Eventually it consumed him, pulling him into a bitter reality of apathy. He couldn’t make himself feel anything, and he realized with a heavy weight that the death of Vriska had ripped away any pleasant feeling he could ever hope for again.

It was that, or they simply weren’t as compatible as he had built them up in his mind. He’d always been one to put others on these pedestals and almost worship them before something brought them screaming to the ground to shatter in front of his eyes. It had happened time and time again, and he was hesitant to ever do it again. But he knew Vriska wouldn’t approve of the swarming feeling of guilt surrounding him on the subject of his former-palecrush-turned-moirail.

So he did exactly what she would have done; he started creating distance. He started avoiding their scheduled feelings jams and slipping off into the vents to hide and take naps so he could hunt through dream bubbles for _his_ Vriska. With every unsuccessful attempt, he found himself slipping farther away again. Karkat eventually stopped looking for him, and he just left it at that.

He didn’t have much left but an idle hope.

  
_“…ooh, my own was banished long ago,_   
_It took the death of hope to let you go!”_

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song "Snuff" by Slipknot.


End file.
